Done

You know how they say to just reach out when you want to die?  How are you supposed to do that when you literally feel like every single person that you could think of that would care if you were gone, doesn't have the time? Or that you feel like that person you want to call, wouldn't be at your funeral anyway?  That's me.  Me being gone really wouldn't effect anyone, except for not having my income coming in.  People wouldn't be struggling to communicate with me.  Unfortunately, I can't even communicate with myself, how do you expect me to communicate how I feel to you?  It's not like I have a family.  The ones that are labeled as my brothers or sisters by either blood or adoption, don't talk to me anyway.  And, if they tried, I cut them out.  I'm not happy, I don't want to live anymore, I keep on hurting everyone around me because I can't figure out what's going on with me.  It would take time, but it would be better for everyone if I was gone.

Uncontrollable...

I've been known to insert foot and think later... It's been getting worse lately.  My anxiety is through the roof, and hopefully in the next couple days, I will have an appointment to get back on meds, because Lord knows that I need them.  I have never had as many problems feeling this way.  It's been hurting me everywhere, at work, at home, in the grocery store even.  There aren't many people that lives close enough that i can talk to, but the ones that I want to talk to the most, it just makes me upset that they live so far away.  I'm glad I have the people here that I do, and that they've been so willing to help.... I don't know.  My mind gets so scatterbrained anymore... Anyway, the important things... The kids are doing well... Sayde will be nine this weekend, and is almost as tall as my shoulder... Austin just turned eight, and in a few short months, Autumn will be three.  I cannot believe how fast these last few years have gone, and the struggles we've gotten through. I feel so proud of our achievements, and we still feel we have so many hurdles to pass.  We're getting there, though.  Hopefully soon, we can add some more pictures of the kids... For now, here's some of the younger days of all three kiddos :)

Changes

      So, I pulled off my facebook page, and I want it to stay that way for a while.  There are a lot of things in my life that I need to focus on, and it starts with me and my family.  My head has been out there, like crazy out there.  I have never felt so out of sorts and not myself.  So, hopefully, in the next few weeks, I will be able to get to a doctor that can help with some medication, like what I was on before.  I hope that everyone understands, but I also know not many people give a damn anyways, and I don't even know if anyone reads my blogs anymore anyway, so whatever.

Anyway, the kids are doing good, healthy and still doing well in school.  For the most part, lol.  Austin is having some issues being a bully again in school, but we are working with the school to try to help him out on that aspect.  We'll see.  That's my update for now, don't have much more to say right now.  Hope everyone else is doing well.

Just plain bitchy

It is very hard for me lately to be nice to people.  I am usually not like that either.  I just want to fight, and I want to win lol.  I am so sick of double standard, hypocritical, rude people, it makes me sick to my stomach.  It's no wonder people become recluses, and don't come out of their homes.  All of the other people on the outside cause word vomit.  I'm so serious I could burst!!!!  I love my job, don't get me wrong.  Some of the people that go somewhere to be served can be so rude.  Like I was put on the earth to be your bitch.  Really?  'Cause I'm pretty sure the only person that would ever remotely be close to using that name on me would be my husband, and even he wouldn't call me that.  And then there are people who seem to think that the world needs to stop on them, and that their problems should be what everybody dwells on every single day.  I'm sorry your life sucks right now, but don't think that your problems are the only ones in the world, and the rest of us need to piddle fart around you while you heal.  Everybody else has issues too, and you're becoming one of them in the process.  Two faced people, who are nice to your face, make you feel awesome, and worth something, then turn around and back stab you are getting on my nerves too.  Don't look at me and tell me I'm awesome with your fingers crossed and go to someone the next day and act like I'm the devil.  Karma is a bitch, and I'm about to be Karma's best friend.  Maybe I'll go postal and then blame it on hormones.  That sounds like fun.  Or maybe I just need to get ammo and go shooting for awhile.  Blow some shit up.  That might be even better lol.  Anyway, pointless rant tonight.  Not like anyone reads shit anyways.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, with lots of love, laughter, and awesome food!  We were both missing our families, but it was still a very nice Thanksgiving.  We have so much to be thankful for I can't even count all of them!  We have come so far this past year, and I am so proud of our family as a whole.  We have had to do some things that we didn't want to, and that scared us.  But we did them, with the faith that the Lord would take care of us and guide us.  And with His love this holiday season, there are no regrets, and next year will be just as great!  I know this isn't a long post, but I just wanted to say thank you to all of our friends and family that has stuck by us through the last year, and that haven't given up on us yet.  We're still working on it, but we're getting there!!!!  Love to you all this holiday season!

Not for the faint of hearts

This is going to be in a completely different direction than all my all other blogs.  You have been warned.

       I had a hysterectomy in August of 2010.  It was my choice, yes, but a hard one at that.  Honestly one of the hardest choices of my life.  With that, has come a lot of feelings of guilt, and shame, just to start.  I'll backtrack for those of you that don't know some of this.  I feel like I need to do this, because at some point I have to start healing emotionally, and I am so not there yet.  I don't think I ever will be.

     High school was interesting for me.  I made some of the most stupid decisions of my life.  I was a whore.  There.  I said it.  I was the worst woman for my now husband.  I treated him like a doormat.  I have no doubt in my mind that I loved him then, I just didn't know what to do with that feeling.  Nobody had ever shown me such an unconditional love, and I wasn't close to comprehending it.  So I threw it all away.  So, my senior year, instead of keeping an engagement ring on my finger, I threw it at my soul mate, and got knocked up later that summer with my ex-husband.  I will never say I regret my children.  I love them with every ounce of my being.  But I regret my decisions, and one of those decisions was getting pregnant by him.  If I could have gotten the same children with Brian, I would have, if that makes sense.  Forgive me if I ramble, just piecing everything together.

     So, the end of June in 2002, I just find out I'm pregnant.  I had already started the morning sickness.  I was scared to death, but excited.  Anybody that knows me or knew me back then, knows I always wanted kids.  Always.  Only one time did I ever say I didn't want kids, and that was after my project for a class where I took a doll home, and that damn thing almost killed me!!!!  A week with that doll, and I wanted my tubes tied!  Anyway, I had just graduated high school.  I knew that my life would be more difficult from this moment on.  Two weeks later, July 11th, I started cramping really early in the morning.  Not normal cramps, awful cramps.  My good friend at the time, Rosella, was staying with us.  She told me that I needed to go to the ER when i started bleeding.  The ultrasound showed no heartbeat.  I will never forget that feeling.  Ever.  My body was supposed to protect this perfect being.  I had failed.  They sent me home with a prescription of vicodin, and told me to come back if the pain got worse.  The next day, I lost my baby.  Saying it is always so much easier.  Looking at it in front of me tears at my core.  And then when I went to a doctor's appointment to make sure that I was healed up from my miscarriage, I was told that they only saw "pregnant" women.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Slap me some more!  Anyway, moving on.  One flow of tears out of the way, many more to come.  Why do they call it closure, or healing, if it hurts so bad?  Oh, well.

     So, only two weeks after the miscarriage, I still don't feel right.  Even though it didn't seem mathematically or scientifically possible, I took a pregnancy test.  It came up positive!  And on March 17th, 2003, Mersayde was born.  I was scared to death.  I had no clue what I was doing lol.  But, she is still alive and thriving, so obviously I am doing something right.  Only three months later, I found out I was pregnant with Austin.  It was totally unexpected, I was mad, upset, and most of all, scared to death.  How was this going to work?  I didn't have a choice but to push forward.  On February 26th, 2004, my wonderful son was welcomed into the world.  He and his sister have held me together in some of the most scary and dark times of my life, and I really believe that's why they were sent to me when they were.  I thank God every day for their presence in my life.  They have made me who I am today.  They saved me on so many different levels.

     About a year after Austin's birth, I went into the doctor for my regular "yearly".  Yuck.  They found HPV.  With all the hype about vaccinations, I don't feel like it is wrong of me to share this, so if you don't like me sharing this, stop reading now.  They did a biopsy, and that was it at that time.  It didn't show up until a few years later.  We'll get to that.

     In January of 2008, my world was turned upside down.  I had bought a home, gone through hell to get that home, and was with someone who at the time I really thought I was supposed to be with.  But, that was not in my plans.  Thank God too!  :)  He decided to part ways, and a few months later, I decided to contact my old high school sweetheart.  It had been over a year, I believe, since I had seen him last, and felt like I needed to get back in touch with him.  We were living together within two months, probably less, don't remember the exact times lol!  When he moved in, we both knew where our relationship was going, and we were ready for it this time.  We jumped in feet first, not afraid of anything.  And given the way I treated him in high school, this was nothing short of a miracle.  I didn't deserve it, and I still don't.  I thank him every day for forgiving me and loving me unconditionally over years of bad behavior.  Well, I ended up pregnant!  It was a great pregnancy, with the excitement and love between us and our children that I had only dreamed of for my family.  On March 10th, 2009, we were married, and on July 1st, 2009, our miracle baby, Autumn was born.  I say miracle because my husband's doctors had voiced that it would be very difficult for him to have children.  And here we were, with a perfect, beautiful, human being!

     Most everyone knows the struggles with moving, and all that since then.  This is what most don't know.  At my six week appointment after Autumn was born, they did the regular "yearly" again.  It had been since 2005 that I had any problems with that.  The HPV showed, and it came back with a vengeance.  It was pre-cancerous.  I was going to have a procedure when we moved to Colorado.  Well, in October of 2009, (Autumn was 3 months old, mind you), we found out we were pregnant.  Just as we got the positive on the test, I started bleeding.  The emotions involved in that moment were gut-wrenching. I wasn't going to have the great experience that I did with Autumn.  No baby, no joy, no wondering how the hell we were going to take care of another child.  Just empty.  That was the last time I was pregnant.  A failed attempt at a child, a wonderful and beautiful miracle.

In December of 2009, I had the LEEP procedure done.  It takes off the layers of affected skin off the cervix, and eliminates the spread of bad cells.  This was so painful for me, as were the biopsies beforehand.  I could barely move.  In six months, I had another yearly, and it was getting even worse.  It was going to be another round of biopsies and procedures.  We had talked about having my tubes tied anyway, so it shouldn't have been a difficult decision, right?  Wrong.  All wrong.  Yes, I signed the papers to have my tubes tied.  Yes, I had decided to not have anymore kids.  But, for some reason I can't get over my feelings about it.

And here comes to this: I failed.  My body failed.  No matter how many times someone tells me, "You have three beautiful kids.  Be happy in that." or "You weren't going to have anymore anyway" it still hurts, even today.  And for some reason it hits me when I least expect it.  I know Brian loves Sayde and Austin, and would die for them, I still wanted to try to give him another child.  I loved the experience, and wanted to experience it once more.  I lost half of "our" pregnancies.  And the stupid little thoughts eat me up.  Were they boys, girls, one of each?  Even though I wasn't in the position I wanted to be in with the first miscarriage, I still think about that baby, too.  And all of the mistakes that I made when I was in high school, I am almost certain that I would not have had these problems if I would have just kept my fracking legs closed.  I would have rather carried these children and lost them.  At least I would have a place to sit with them, to know what they looked like, to be happy to hold them, even for a second.  I knew how fertile I was, and it was a very strong thought of mine to carry a child for a woman who I had grown to love as a sister.  She still means the world to me.  It killed me when I had to tell her that my body was not going to be able to perform that task.  I crushed her dreams.  My body crushed her dreams.  And even though I didn't have a diagnosis, cancer took so much from me.  I feel like a broken record, like there is a big ol' scratch through the whole thing, and no matter what you do, it will never be whole again.  I am 27 freaking years old, and I will never have to worry about getting pregnant again.  I miss that.  Sounds funny, but I miss the possibility of an oops!!!! I'm pregnant!  I would never had to do any of this had there not been a possibility of cancer in the future.  I made a big decision, and even though I know it's what I needed to do for my kids I have now, I'm still angry that I had to make it in the first place.

     One day, someday, I hope that I am at ease with this decision I had to make.  But for today, I'm pissed off and hurt, and am ashamed at my decisions that forced me to have to make such a difficult decision.  And even though I'm so upset,  I thank God every day that my husband loves me enough to stand beside me and still be proud of me with all of the wrong decisions I had made that hurt him so many years ago.  You have loved me enough to make me feel worth something, that I deserve the happiness that you have given me.  I love you forever, and I hope you always know that! 

Finally!!!!

I am officially a manager!  I have put so much stress on myself that I have gone postal a couple of times.  And I'm pretty sure my husband thinks I'm a basket case, but my goal has been achieved.  Out of everything in the last year, where we are standing now as a family has me so proud.  We have grown together, fallen together, and we have begun to stand back up and finally we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
     And, on top of all of that, my van is going to be worked on this weekend as well.  We have thrown everything including the kitchen sink at this car, and this is our last ditch effort before I drive it off of a cliff.  It started overheating back in February.  We have changed out everything in this car.  The radiator, water pump, thermostat, radiator cap, everything.  Nothing has worked.  I can't even get a mile up the road without it getting hot.  That's sad.  This car doesn't even have 120,000 miles on it.  But, finally, there is someone willing to work on it for cheap, because we are basically having all the gaskets changed out on the engine.  And if this works, I won't be isolated in the middle of BFE anymore!!!! 
       The kids are doing great in school, and Autumn loves where she goes to day care at.  It's a home day care, and I adore the lady that takes care of the kids, and her kids and mine love each other too!  And they just moved even closer to us, like a block away lol.  That makes it so much easier. And the older two are going to be baptized in the beginning of March.  I'm so excited for that.  It makes me and Brian so proud be their parents.  Now if I could only get them to tell the truth half of the time lol!!! 
      So, on the last blog, I had quit smoking!  I have stuck to it, and am still not smoking.  Brian is working on his not smoking, but it is so difficult for him.  Hopefully, when insurance kicks in, we will be able to get him to a doctor so that he can get some extra help with it.  I hate seeing him struggle when he wants something like this.  Brian and I got baptized about a month ago as well, and that was amazing for both of us.  The changes in our house are indescribable.  There's a sense of peace in our home, and that hasn't been a feeling in our house for a long time because of all the setbacks that we have had.  We know that He is with us, because we feel Him every single day.  It's amazing, absolutely amazing.  I can't wait until we go to the temple and are able to experience all of His wonderful blessings.  Yet another goal set! 
     Well, I suppose I better go.  I don't know if many people read this or not, but I appreciate anyone who does.  This is my therapy in a way, and hopefully, now that my laptop is working, I can update it more on a regular basis.  And hopefully, soon, I can get some more pictures up on here!  Love to all!