My Grandma...

     She was a wonderful woman, inside and out.  She was my adopted grandma, but you could never tell.  I would stay over with them on the weekends and do so many things with them.  I still remember so many things about her.  The house she and Grandpa lived in; I still remember exactly where it is.  I drove by it a lot when I lived in Iowa and I would just smile.  I used to play backgammon with the kids next door to them, I picked the apple tree with Grandpa, and she made the best homemade oatmeal ever.  I regret not staying in contact with her after I moved out of my adoptive parents house.  I guess here is another blast from the past for anyone that doesn't know about my teenage life, lol.
    In my previous posts, I have talked about how I was adopted and all that jazz.  I was welcomed into the whole family with open arms.  That's one of the great things I remember.  It wasn't all bad when I lived with Mike and Lorraine (my adoptive parents).  I still have pictures with me sitting with Grandma and Grandpa at Christmas's, the adoption party when they brought me home as theirs.  The whole family was there to celebrate.  It was wonderful.  But, I know I was pretty messed up in the head from what had happened to me, so it definitely didn't make it easy for Mike and Lorraine.  Even though I don't remember everything, Lorraine has shed some light on how I was back then.  They had some issues in their marriage, and of course, what couple doesn't have money problems?  All of that added onto a child that didn't know up from down made it hard, and they really weren't prepared for all of me when they brought me home, lol!  So, as I got older, it got more difficult for all of us.  I was drinking in eighth grade, which now I laugh on.  Who in the hell thinks they can get away with drinking on the school bus?  Lol.  Oh, well, we live we learn, right?  We moved to Colorado at the very end of my eighth grade year in school, and it just got worse.  I was hanging around with the wrong crowd, had started to smoke, and ended up making some stupid decisions.  I had some pretty crappy things happen in my freshman year of high school, none of which I want to post on here.  There are certain things that I don't like to tell, and this would be one of them.  You can message me at any time to ask though.  Certain people I would be okay with discussing it with.  Anyway, Lorraine blamed me, called me names, and kicked me out of the house. 
     After that, I didn't have any contact with my grandma and grandpa.  I didn't plan it that way, I was never upset with them for the turn of events.  I guess for some reason I thought there would be more time, that looking them up and calling them or sending a letter could wait one more day.  And now she's gone.  I feel awful because I don't remember the last time I heard her voice, but I hear it in my head.  I remember even after all these years how she smelled.  I can't even describe it, but I can smell it.  I remember her hugs were amazing.  I heard the stories of her chasing Lorraine through the house because she had stayed out late lol.  I remember the day we had Great-Grandma's funeral, and the celebration of life we had later that day.  It was at their house.  And even though she knew I was having problems with Mike and Lorraine, she always said that she loved me.  I still have a birthday card from right before I moved out.  She was always supportive, even if she didn't agree with me being a little shit.  I will never forget you Grandma, and I hope you know I never have.  I love you.
    Since I have been working on this blog for most of today, I have some news to tell everyone!  My baby girl is growing up.  We have officially given Sayde her first stick of deodorant.  My heart bleeds!!!  Anyway, write soon!

Letting Go...

I've never been really good at doing this.  I let crap hang over my head forever.  Whether it's something I have done, or has been done to me.  As most people know I am adopted.  Not many people know why, but I can openly say now as an adult without being pissed off that I was sexually abused by my step-father when I was a toddler and was taken out of my home.  I went through a couple different foster homes before I was adopted.  I didn't speak to my biological mother from the age of about 5 until I was 22.  I love my biological mom deeply.  She is who I call mom.  So whenever I refer to Mom, that is who I am talking about! 
    I will never be able to understand what my mom went through when she lost me.  She was very young, about 18 when I was taken and didn't know a lot.  My step-father was very abusive to her, and she was afraid to leave him, therefore, I was still taken.  As a mom now, I don't understand.  I would never allow it, I don't care how much I get beat up, I would never, ever tolerate someone hurting my child in any manner, let alone molestation.  Now, I don't blame Mom, but I don't get how I wasn't important enough to her at the time to walk away.  I guess I will never understand that. 
     As all of you know, obviously, we moved to Washington state.  Mom was very upset when I told her we were moving.  She lives in Iowa.  After I told her we were moving, I felt so distant from her.  She would change the subject when I would try to tell her what was going on, and over the period of about a month before we moved, there would always be something that was going on to where she wouldn't be able to talk to me.  I felt like I needed her, and I felt let down.  I felt like she didn't care at all that we were trying to better our kids' lives.  Not just for us, but for the kids.  And then a couple nights before we got the moving truck, it all blew up.  Names were called (not by me) to Brian, which I don't want to repeat here, but names that should have never been called.  There was no acknowledgment that I was hurt; no I'm sorry for hurting you or anything like that from my mom.  I put something on facebook because she wasn't answering phone calls and wasn't returning them.  I felt abandoned.  I haven't talked to her in almost four months because of this.  And I refuse to.  I will not back down now, or ever, because I have to "get over" my feelings.  Even if we do start talking again, I don't think it will ever be the same, because that hurt will always be there.  And I can't let go.    Any suggestions on how to let go, or is this something I should fester over?  I don't want there to come a day that I regret not talking to her, and her to be gone and I haven't even said I love you before she was gone.  But, I also want her to know that how I feel shouldn't be looked over, and just shrugged off.  I don't deserve to be treated like that by anybody, especially her. 
     Anyway, on other news, the kids go back to school tomorrow from their spring break.  I feel really blessed to have the family that I do.  Autumn is growing like a weed, and talking up a storm.  She is saying "I love you, too" when someone says it first, and "Night, night" and all kinds of things.  She amazes me every day.  And Sayde and Austin are starting to drift to their own separate ways, being more independent instead of needing to be on top of each other at all times, and it's nice to see their different personalities come out.  I'm where I want to be, even though there are some rough days, the good days usually out weigh the bad.  But, I suppose I should get to bed.  I can't wait to have some time away from the older two, lol.  They have driven me crazy this past week!  Love to all!

Moving on...

That's easier said than done.  I knew today would be a hard day.  For both Brian and me.  This absolutely blows today though.  I know it will get easier, but seeing my husband in this much pain, and knowing I can't do anything for him makes it hard.  But, other than that today, just hanging out with the kids, trying to relax and give them lots of love while trying to feel better myself.  I was throwing up last night and all that poo.  Thank God I don't have my girl parts or I would think I was preggo!!!  Ha.  Nice joke, huh?  Hope everyone has a nice day.

Getting Started

     So, this is my first time starting a blog, but I have seen others start it, and I figured with all the time I spend at home, it would be good for me!  Hope I don't bore anyone to sleep lol.  Well, let's see.  Our family has gone through hell and back for the last year, and I think finally it is starting to settle down.  I guess we can start somewhere in last year, and catch up real quick!
      The beginning of last year, we were in Colorado, had just done a lot to our house to make it more "ours".  We had settled in, I was working from home doing day care, and we were doing okay.  Unfortunately, we found out Brian's step-dad was very sick.  It started at pneumonia, then cancer, then no cancer.  And then the worst news: he had cancer that had spread all over his body and there was nothing else we could do for him.  The doctor estimated that he had about six months to live.  Now, I didn't know Lou the way I would have liked.  Lord knows the man scared the hell out of me!  I am finding out over the last year that he had a tender side.  Not many people saw it, but when you did, it was awesome!  I wanted to go see him, but I knew that I would have the kids, and with the pain meds that he was on, it made him really out of it and plain cranky sometimes.  They didn't need to see him like that.  I still wish I did though.  I wanted to tell him so many things.  But, what was more important at the time, was that Brian see him, and work through the troubles that the two of them had while Brian was growing up.  I remember a week before Lou passed, Brian came home and just collapsed in my arms.  Three words from Lou made my husband crumble.  You never know how important those words are until you hear them at a very vulnerable moment.  I held my husband and I knew there were only more tears to come, and saw Brian in such a defenseless position.  At no time since I have known him, have I seen him like that.  It's hard to be the strength for someone that has always been the same for you.  One week later, on April 5th, 2010, we sat down to eat dinner.  I even remember what we were eating.  How sad is that?  We hadn't even taken a bite, and my phone rings.  It's Jennifer, and I can hear it in her voice.  "I called Brian, but he didn't answer.  Are you around him?"  Ten minutes later, and my husband is racing up the hill to be with his family as Lou was losing his fight.  Ever since that night, we have learned so much in his passing.  We have learned what needs to be important in our lives.  And that is family and love.  I consider his blood my blood.  I have gained two sisters, two brothers, and another mom.  I was given that chance when I married him.  I wrote a lot about that on my facebook.  I look at my whole life different now.  Thank you for teaching me and Brian so much, Lou.  We miss you just as much today as we did the day you left. 
     A few months passed, and everything was going great.  Until I went into the doctor to have the dreaded "yearly".  We had a procedure the year before called a LEEP.  That took all the bad cells they found then off of the surface of my cervix.  We had already decided that we were done having children, so we decided to go ahead with getting my tubes tied.  I signed the paperwork the day I went into the doctor.  About a week later, I get a call saying the cells had gotten worse, and we needed to do another biopsy.  It was suggested at that time, that I could get a hysterectomy if I didn't want to have all the procedures on my cervix.  After a few days of talking with Brian, and doing a lot of soul searching in me, we decided to talk to the doctor directly and see what he thought.  He agreed, so we did the hysterectomy.  This has changed me so much.  I feel empty a lot of the time.  Some people have told me, "You were done having kids anyway.  And now no monthly!"  That's not the point.  Tying my tubes was my choice, and even later down the road, if we really wanted and were financially capable we could do IVF or a tube reversal.  I felt like even though we chose to do the hysterctomy, it also felt like our only option to keep me healthy.  Now I can't have any children.  No possibility that I can carry a child.  And my dream of giving my best friend a baby of her own was dead.  I was serious about carrying a child for my best friend.  We had talked about it for years because her body couldn't handle it.  I let her down.  My body let her down.  I see pregnant women and get teary eyed.  I envy people who just find out they're pregnant, even though I'm happy for them.  It's getting better, but it's still hard.  The occasional hot flashes don't help either!
    A couple weeks after my surgery, Brian lost his job.  He was unable to find one in Colorado, even with interview after interview.  The bills were piling up, and we were about to lose the house, so we let it go.  By the graces of God, we have been able to move in with some very good friends in Washington state, and are working on getting out on our own.  Brian is already working, making over twice what he was before, and I will be getting paid soon too.  It seems like our luck is turning up, but not without the help of wonderful family and friends.  Sorry if this is so long, but I promise the next ones shouldn't be!!!  Thanks anybody for reading and hope this finds everyone well!