Letting Go...

I've never been really good at doing this.  I let crap hang over my head forever.  Whether it's something I have done, or has been done to me.  As most people know I am adopted.  Not many people know why, but I can openly say now as an adult without being pissed off that I was sexually abused by my step-father when I was a toddler and was taken out of my home.  I went through a couple different foster homes before I was adopted.  I didn't speak to my biological mother from the age of about 5 until I was 22.  I love my biological mom deeply.  She is who I call mom.  So whenever I refer to Mom, that is who I am talking about! 
    I will never be able to understand what my mom went through when she lost me.  She was very young, about 18 when I was taken and didn't know a lot.  My step-father was very abusive to her, and she was afraid to leave him, therefore, I was still taken.  As a mom now, I don't understand.  I would never allow it, I don't care how much I get beat up, I would never, ever tolerate someone hurting my child in any manner, let alone molestation.  Now, I don't blame Mom, but I don't get how I wasn't important enough to her at the time to walk away.  I guess I will never understand that. 
     As all of you know, obviously, we moved to Washington state.  Mom was very upset when I told her we were moving.  She lives in Iowa.  After I told her we were moving, I felt so distant from her.  She would change the subject when I would try to tell her what was going on, and over the period of about a month before we moved, there would always be something that was going on to where she wouldn't be able to talk to me.  I felt like I needed her, and I felt let down.  I felt like she didn't care at all that we were trying to better our kids' lives.  Not just for us, but for the kids.  And then a couple nights before we got the moving truck, it all blew up.  Names were called (not by me) to Brian, which I don't want to repeat here, but names that should have never been called.  There was no acknowledgment that I was hurt; no I'm sorry for hurting you or anything like that from my mom.  I put something on facebook because she wasn't answering phone calls and wasn't returning them.  I felt abandoned.  I haven't talked to her in almost four months because of this.  And I refuse to.  I will not back down now, or ever, because I have to "get over" my feelings.  Even if we do start talking again, I don't think it will ever be the same, because that hurt will always be there.  And I can't let go.    Any suggestions on how to let go, or is this something I should fester over?  I don't want there to come a day that I regret not talking to her, and her to be gone and I haven't even said I love you before she was gone.  But, I also want her to know that how I feel shouldn't be looked over, and just shrugged off.  I don't deserve to be treated like that by anybody, especially her. 
     Anyway, on other news, the kids go back to school tomorrow from their spring break.  I feel really blessed to have the family that I do.  Autumn is growing like a weed, and talking up a storm.  She is saying "I love you, too" when someone says it first, and "Night, night" and all kinds of things.  She amazes me every day.  And Sayde and Austin are starting to drift to their own separate ways, being more independent instead of needing to be on top of each other at all times, and it's nice to see their different personalities come out.  I'm where I want to be, even though there are some rough days, the good days usually out weigh the bad.  But, I suppose I should get to bed.  I can't wait to have some time away from the older two, lol.  They have driven me crazy this past week!  Love to all!