I love being a mom! I have two girls and one boy, and this is my story of balancing love, life, and work. It's been a while, but I think we are getting the hang of it again!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!
We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, with lots of love, laughter, and awesome food! We were both missing our families, but it was still a very nice Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for I can't even count all of them! We have come so far this past year, and I am so proud of our family as a whole. We have had to do some things that we didn't want to, and that scared us. But we did them, with the faith that the Lord would take care of us and guide us. And with His love this holiday season, there are no regrets, and next year will be just as great! I know this isn't a long post, but I just wanted to say thank you to all of our friends and family that has stuck by us through the last year, and that haven't given up on us yet. We're still working on it, but we're getting there!!!! Love to you all this holiday season!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Not for the faint of hearts
This is going to be in a completely different direction than all my all other blogs. You have been warned.
I had a hysterectomy in August of 2010. It was my choice, yes, but a hard one at that. Honestly one of the hardest choices of my life. With that, has come a lot of feelings of guilt, and shame, just to start. I'll backtrack for those of you that don't know some of this. I feel like I need to do this, because at some point I have to start healing emotionally, and I am so not there yet. I don't think I ever will be.
High school was interesting for me. I made some of the most stupid decisions of my life. I was a whore. There. I said it. I was the worst woman for my now husband. I treated him like a doormat. I have no doubt in my mind that I loved him then, I just didn't know what to do with that feeling. Nobody had ever shown me such an unconditional love, and I wasn't close to comprehending it. So I threw it all away. So, my senior year, instead of keeping an engagement ring on my finger, I threw it at my soul mate, and got knocked up later that summer with my ex-husband. I will never say I regret my children. I love them with every ounce of my being. But I regret my decisions, and one of those decisions was getting pregnant by him. If I could have gotten the same children with Brian, I would have, if that makes sense. Forgive me if I ramble, just piecing everything together.
So, the end of June in 2002, I just find out I'm pregnant. I had already started the morning sickness. I was scared to death, but excited. Anybody that knows me or knew me back then, knows I always wanted kids. Always. Only one time did I ever say I didn't want kids, and that was after my project for a class where I took a doll home, and that damn thing almost killed me!!!! A week with that doll, and I wanted my tubes tied! Anyway, I had just graduated high school. I knew that my life would be more difficult from this moment on. Two weeks later, July 11th, I started cramping really early in the morning. Not normal cramps, awful cramps. My good friend at the time, Rosella, was staying with us. She told me that I needed to go to the ER when i started bleeding. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. I will never forget that feeling. Ever. My body was supposed to protect this perfect being. I had failed. They sent me home with a prescription of vicodin, and told me to come back if the pain got worse. The next day, I lost my baby. Saying it is always so much easier. Looking at it in front of me tears at my core. And then when I went to a doctor's appointment to make sure that I was healed up from my miscarriage, I was told that they only saw "pregnant" women. Are you fucking kidding me? Slap me some more! Anyway, moving on. One flow of tears out of the way, many more to come. Why do they call it closure, or healing, if it hurts so bad? Oh, well.
So, only two weeks after the miscarriage, I still don't feel right. Even though it didn't seem mathematically or scientifically possible, I took a pregnancy test. It came up positive! And on March 17th, 2003, Mersayde was born. I was scared to death. I had no clue what I was doing lol. But, she is still alive and thriving, so obviously I am doing something right. Only three months later, I found out I was pregnant with Austin. It was totally unexpected, I was mad, upset, and most of all, scared to death. How was this going to work? I didn't have a choice but to push forward. On February 26th, 2004, my wonderful son was welcomed into the world. He and his sister have held me together in some of the most scary and dark times of my life, and I really believe that's why they were sent to me when they were. I thank God every day for their presence in my life. They have made me who I am today. They saved me on so many different levels.
About a year after Austin's birth, I went into the doctor for my regular "yearly". Yuck. They found HPV. With all the hype about vaccinations, I don't feel like it is wrong of me to share this, so if you don't like me sharing this, stop reading now. They did a biopsy, and that was it at that time. It didn't show up until a few years later. We'll get to that.
In January of 2008, my world was turned upside down. I had bought a home, gone through hell to get that home, and was with someone who at the time I really thought I was supposed to be with. But, that was not in my plans. Thank God too! :) He decided to part ways, and a few months later, I decided to contact my old high school sweetheart. It had been over a year, I believe, since I had seen him last, and felt like I needed to get back in touch with him. We were living together within two months, probably less, don't remember the exact times lol! When he moved in, we both knew where our relationship was going, and we were ready for it this time. We jumped in feet first, not afraid of anything. And given the way I treated him in high school, this was nothing short of a miracle. I didn't deserve it, and I still don't. I thank him every day for forgiving me and loving me unconditionally over years of bad behavior. Well, I ended up pregnant! It was a great pregnancy, with the excitement and love between us and our children that I had only dreamed of for my family. On March 10th, 2009, we were married, and on July 1st, 2009, our miracle baby, Autumn was born. I say miracle because my husband's doctors had voiced that it would be very difficult for him to have children. And here we were, with a perfect, beautiful, human being!
Most everyone knows the struggles with moving, and all that since then. This is what most don't know. At my six week appointment after Autumn was born, they did the regular "yearly" again. It had been since 2005 that I had any problems with that. The HPV showed, and it came back with a vengeance. It was pre-cancerous. I was going to have a procedure when we moved to Colorado. Well, in October of 2009, (Autumn was 3 months old, mind you), we found out we were pregnant. Just as we got the positive on the test, I started bleeding. The emotions involved in that moment were gut-wrenching. I wasn't going to have the great experience that I did with Autumn. No baby, no joy, no wondering how the hell we were going to take care of another child. Just empty. That was the last time I was pregnant. A failed attempt at a child, a wonderful and beautiful miracle.
In December of 2009, I had the LEEP procedure done. It takes off the layers of affected skin off the cervix, and eliminates the spread of bad cells. This was so painful for me, as were the biopsies beforehand. I could barely move. In six months, I had another yearly, and it was getting even worse. It was going to be another round of biopsies and procedures. We had talked about having my tubes tied anyway, so it shouldn't have been a difficult decision, right? Wrong. All wrong. Yes, I signed the papers to have my tubes tied. Yes, I had decided to not have anymore kids. But, for some reason I can't get over my feelings about it.
And here comes to this: I failed. My body failed. No matter how many times someone tells me, "You have three beautiful kids. Be happy in that." or "You weren't going to have anymore anyway" it still hurts, even today. And for some reason it hits me when I least expect it. I know Brian loves Sayde and Austin, and would die for them, I still wanted to try to give him another child. I loved the experience, and wanted to experience it once more. I lost half of "our" pregnancies. And the stupid little thoughts eat me up. Were they boys, girls, one of each? Even though I wasn't in the position I wanted to be in with the first miscarriage, I still think about that baby, too. And all of the mistakes that I made when I was in high school, I am almost certain that I would not have had these problems if I would have just kept my fracking legs closed. I would have rather carried these children and lost them. At least I would have a place to sit with them, to know what they looked like, to be happy to hold them, even for a second. I knew how fertile I was, and it was a very strong thought of mine to carry a child for a woman who I had grown to love as a sister. She still means the world to me. It killed me when I had to tell her that my body was not going to be able to perform that task. I crushed her dreams. My body crushed her dreams. And even though I didn't have a diagnosis, cancer took so much from me. I feel like a broken record, like there is a big ol' scratch through the whole thing, and no matter what you do, it will never be whole again. I am 27 freaking years old, and I will never have to worry about getting pregnant again. I miss that. Sounds funny, but I miss the possibility of an oops!!!! I'm pregnant! I would never had to do any of this had there not been a possibility of cancer in the future. I made a big decision, and even though I know it's what I needed to do for my kids I have now, I'm still angry that I had to make it in the first place.
One day, someday, I hope that I am at ease with this decision I had to make. But for today, I'm pissed off and hurt, and am ashamed at my decisions that forced me to have to make such a difficult decision. And even though I'm so upset, I thank God every day that my husband loves me enough to stand beside me and still be proud of me with all of the wrong decisions I had made that hurt him so many years ago. You have loved me enough to make me feel worth something, that I deserve the happiness that you have given me. I love you forever, and I hope you always know that!
I had a hysterectomy in August of 2010. It was my choice, yes, but a hard one at that. Honestly one of the hardest choices of my life. With that, has come a lot of feelings of guilt, and shame, just to start. I'll backtrack for those of you that don't know some of this. I feel like I need to do this, because at some point I have to start healing emotionally, and I am so not there yet. I don't think I ever will be.
High school was interesting for me. I made some of the most stupid decisions of my life. I was a whore. There. I said it. I was the worst woman for my now husband. I treated him like a doormat. I have no doubt in my mind that I loved him then, I just didn't know what to do with that feeling. Nobody had ever shown me such an unconditional love, and I wasn't close to comprehending it. So I threw it all away. So, my senior year, instead of keeping an engagement ring on my finger, I threw it at my soul mate, and got knocked up later that summer with my ex-husband. I will never say I regret my children. I love them with every ounce of my being. But I regret my decisions, and one of those decisions was getting pregnant by him. If I could have gotten the same children with Brian, I would have, if that makes sense. Forgive me if I ramble, just piecing everything together.
So, the end of June in 2002, I just find out I'm pregnant. I had already started the morning sickness. I was scared to death, but excited. Anybody that knows me or knew me back then, knows I always wanted kids. Always. Only one time did I ever say I didn't want kids, and that was after my project for a class where I took a doll home, and that damn thing almost killed me!!!! A week with that doll, and I wanted my tubes tied! Anyway, I had just graduated high school. I knew that my life would be more difficult from this moment on. Two weeks later, July 11th, I started cramping really early in the morning. Not normal cramps, awful cramps. My good friend at the time, Rosella, was staying with us. She told me that I needed to go to the ER when i started bleeding. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. I will never forget that feeling. Ever. My body was supposed to protect this perfect being. I had failed. They sent me home with a prescription of vicodin, and told me to come back if the pain got worse. The next day, I lost my baby. Saying it is always so much easier. Looking at it in front of me tears at my core. And then when I went to a doctor's appointment to make sure that I was healed up from my miscarriage, I was told that they only saw "pregnant" women. Are you fucking kidding me? Slap me some more! Anyway, moving on. One flow of tears out of the way, many more to come. Why do they call it closure, or healing, if it hurts so bad? Oh, well.
So, only two weeks after the miscarriage, I still don't feel right. Even though it didn't seem mathematically or scientifically possible, I took a pregnancy test. It came up positive! And on March 17th, 2003, Mersayde was born. I was scared to death. I had no clue what I was doing lol. But, she is still alive and thriving, so obviously I am doing something right. Only three months later, I found out I was pregnant with Austin. It was totally unexpected, I was mad, upset, and most of all, scared to death. How was this going to work? I didn't have a choice but to push forward. On February 26th, 2004, my wonderful son was welcomed into the world. He and his sister have held me together in some of the most scary and dark times of my life, and I really believe that's why they were sent to me when they were. I thank God every day for their presence in my life. They have made me who I am today. They saved me on so many different levels.
About a year after Austin's birth, I went into the doctor for my regular "yearly". Yuck. They found HPV. With all the hype about vaccinations, I don't feel like it is wrong of me to share this, so if you don't like me sharing this, stop reading now. They did a biopsy, and that was it at that time. It didn't show up until a few years later. We'll get to that.
In January of 2008, my world was turned upside down. I had bought a home, gone through hell to get that home, and was with someone who at the time I really thought I was supposed to be with. But, that was not in my plans. Thank God too! :) He decided to part ways, and a few months later, I decided to contact my old high school sweetheart. It had been over a year, I believe, since I had seen him last, and felt like I needed to get back in touch with him. We were living together within two months, probably less, don't remember the exact times lol! When he moved in, we both knew where our relationship was going, and we were ready for it this time. We jumped in feet first, not afraid of anything. And given the way I treated him in high school, this was nothing short of a miracle. I didn't deserve it, and I still don't. I thank him every day for forgiving me and loving me unconditionally over years of bad behavior. Well, I ended up pregnant! It was a great pregnancy, with the excitement and love between us and our children that I had only dreamed of for my family. On March 10th, 2009, we were married, and on July 1st, 2009, our miracle baby, Autumn was born. I say miracle because my husband's doctors had voiced that it would be very difficult for him to have children. And here we were, with a perfect, beautiful, human being!
Most everyone knows the struggles with moving, and all that since then. This is what most don't know. At my six week appointment after Autumn was born, they did the regular "yearly" again. It had been since 2005 that I had any problems with that. The HPV showed, and it came back with a vengeance. It was pre-cancerous. I was going to have a procedure when we moved to Colorado. Well, in October of 2009, (Autumn was 3 months old, mind you), we found out we were pregnant. Just as we got the positive on the test, I started bleeding. The emotions involved in that moment were gut-wrenching. I wasn't going to have the great experience that I did with Autumn. No baby, no joy, no wondering how the hell we were going to take care of another child. Just empty. That was the last time I was pregnant. A failed attempt at a child, a wonderful and beautiful miracle.
In December of 2009, I had the LEEP procedure done. It takes off the layers of affected skin off the cervix, and eliminates the spread of bad cells. This was so painful for me, as were the biopsies beforehand. I could barely move. In six months, I had another yearly, and it was getting even worse. It was going to be another round of biopsies and procedures. We had talked about having my tubes tied anyway, so it shouldn't have been a difficult decision, right? Wrong. All wrong. Yes, I signed the papers to have my tubes tied. Yes, I had decided to not have anymore kids. But, for some reason I can't get over my feelings about it.
And here comes to this: I failed. My body failed. No matter how many times someone tells me, "You have three beautiful kids. Be happy in that." or "You weren't going to have anymore anyway" it still hurts, even today. And for some reason it hits me when I least expect it. I know Brian loves Sayde and Austin, and would die for them, I still wanted to try to give him another child. I loved the experience, and wanted to experience it once more. I lost half of "our" pregnancies. And the stupid little thoughts eat me up. Were they boys, girls, one of each? Even though I wasn't in the position I wanted to be in with the first miscarriage, I still think about that baby, too. And all of the mistakes that I made when I was in high school, I am almost certain that I would not have had these problems if I would have just kept my fracking legs closed. I would have rather carried these children and lost them. At least I would have a place to sit with them, to know what they looked like, to be happy to hold them, even for a second. I knew how fertile I was, and it was a very strong thought of mine to carry a child for a woman who I had grown to love as a sister. She still means the world to me. It killed me when I had to tell her that my body was not going to be able to perform that task. I crushed her dreams. My body crushed her dreams. And even though I didn't have a diagnosis, cancer took so much from me. I feel like a broken record, like there is a big ol' scratch through the whole thing, and no matter what you do, it will never be whole again. I am 27 freaking years old, and I will never have to worry about getting pregnant again. I miss that. Sounds funny, but I miss the possibility of an oops!!!! I'm pregnant! I would never had to do any of this had there not been a possibility of cancer in the future. I made a big decision, and even though I know it's what I needed to do for my kids I have now, I'm still angry that I had to make it in the first place.
One day, someday, I hope that I am at ease with this decision I had to make. But for today, I'm pissed off and hurt, and am ashamed at my decisions that forced me to have to make such a difficult decision. And even though I'm so upset, I thank God every day that my husband loves me enough to stand beside me and still be proud of me with all of the wrong decisions I had made that hurt him so many years ago. You have loved me enough to make me feel worth something, that I deserve the happiness that you have given me. I love you forever, and I hope you always know that!
Finally!!!!
I am officially a manager! I have put so much stress on myself that I have gone postal a couple of times. And I'm pretty sure my husband thinks I'm a basket case, but my goal has been achieved. Out of everything in the last year, where we are standing now as a family has me so proud. We have grown together, fallen together, and we have begun to stand back up and finally we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And, on top of all of that, my van is going to be worked on this weekend as well. We have thrown everything including the kitchen sink at this car, and this is our last ditch effort before I drive it off of a cliff. It started overheating back in February. We have changed out everything in this car. The radiator, water pump, thermostat, radiator cap, everything. Nothing has worked. I can't even get a mile up the road without it getting hot. That's sad. This car doesn't even have 120,000 miles on it. But, finally, there is someone willing to work on it for cheap, because we are basically having all the gaskets changed out on the engine. And if this works, I won't be isolated in the middle of BFE anymore!!!!
The kids are doing great in school, and Autumn loves where she goes to day care at. It's a home day care, and I adore the lady that takes care of the kids, and her kids and mine love each other too! And they just moved even closer to us, like a block away lol. That makes it so much easier. And the older two are going to be baptized in the beginning of March. I'm so excited for that. It makes me and Brian so proud be their parents. Now if I could only get them to tell the truth half of the time lol!!!
So, on the last blog, I had quit smoking! I have stuck to it, and am still not smoking. Brian is working on his not smoking, but it is so difficult for him. Hopefully, when insurance kicks in, we will be able to get him to a doctor so that he can get some extra help with it. I hate seeing him struggle when he wants something like this. Brian and I got baptized about a month ago as well, and that was amazing for both of us. The changes in our house are indescribable. There's a sense of peace in our home, and that hasn't been a feeling in our house for a long time because of all the setbacks that we have had. We know that He is with us, because we feel Him every single day. It's amazing, absolutely amazing. I can't wait until we go to the temple and are able to experience all of His wonderful blessings. Yet another goal set!
Well, I suppose I better go. I don't know if many people read this or not, but I appreciate anyone who does. This is my therapy in a way, and hopefully, now that my laptop is working, I can update it more on a regular basis. And hopefully, soon, I can get some more pictures up on here! Love to all!
And, on top of all of that, my van is going to be worked on this weekend as well. We have thrown everything including the kitchen sink at this car, and this is our last ditch effort before I drive it off of a cliff. It started overheating back in February. We have changed out everything in this car. The radiator, water pump, thermostat, radiator cap, everything. Nothing has worked. I can't even get a mile up the road without it getting hot. That's sad. This car doesn't even have 120,000 miles on it. But, finally, there is someone willing to work on it for cheap, because we are basically having all the gaskets changed out on the engine. And if this works, I won't be isolated in the middle of BFE anymore!!!!
The kids are doing great in school, and Autumn loves where she goes to day care at. It's a home day care, and I adore the lady that takes care of the kids, and her kids and mine love each other too! And they just moved even closer to us, like a block away lol. That makes it so much easier. And the older two are going to be baptized in the beginning of March. I'm so excited for that. It makes me and Brian so proud be their parents. Now if I could only get them to tell the truth half of the time lol!!!
So, on the last blog, I had quit smoking! I have stuck to it, and am still not smoking. Brian is working on his not smoking, but it is so difficult for him. Hopefully, when insurance kicks in, we will be able to get him to a doctor so that he can get some extra help with it. I hate seeing him struggle when he wants something like this. Brian and I got baptized about a month ago as well, and that was amazing for both of us. The changes in our house are indescribable. There's a sense of peace in our home, and that hasn't been a feeling in our house for a long time because of all the setbacks that we have had. We know that He is with us, because we feel Him every single day. It's amazing, absolutely amazing. I can't wait until we go to the temple and are able to experience all of His wonderful blessings. Yet another goal set!
Well, I suppose I better go. I don't know if many people read this or not, but I appreciate anyone who does. This is my therapy in a way, and hopefully, now that my laptop is working, I can update it more on a regular basis. And hopefully, soon, I can get some more pictures up on here! Love to all!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sorry, it's been too long!
i can't believe almost six months have gone by since I last wrote on here! My computer died, and getting the time anymore is close to impossible! So much has happened since the last post, I will try to catch anyone who reads this up on our lives!
We moved into our own place on July 1st, 2011. It is bigger than our place was in Colorado, and it reminds me a lot of Woodland Park. it's quiet, about twenty minutes from a larger town, but we can go shopping here in town still. The job that I was working towards didn't work out, because of many reasons, but I think it was for the best, even as weird as that may sound. I put in an application at McDonald's mainly because it was so close, and got a job right away. And with the experience I have with management inside the company, I am working on my management classes, and will be a manager by the time the middle of November comes around! I am very proud of myself, as I'm working really hard to achieve some type of goal, even if it is in a fast food restaurant lol!
Our cars have broken down, and and all of that stuff has been really hard, but we're pulling through it seems. We are starting to get involved in a church. And even though some people might not agree with it, I want everyone to remember that we would not do anything that would put our children in danger, EVER!!! If it is going to better our health, well-being, and spiritual health, then why wouldn't we do this? I am not doing this to be judged, or ridiculed into thinking what I'm doing is wrong. What some other people think, I don't agree with, but that doesn't give me the right the belittle that person, does it? So don't treat us like that! And with this change, today, I have quit smoking, and one of the suggestions is to start up a new hobby, and this is time consuming, and worth every minute, so i thought I would take the time while Autumn was down for her nap, and while I was pacing the floors for a cigarette, to use my nervousness on the computer to clue everyone in lol! I know I can do it this time around, because I am determined and I want it for totally different reasons. I don't want my children to see me get sick because of smoking. I don't want to miss out on graduations, weddings, and births of grandbabies because I chose to keep smoking. I don't want to miss anything, and I won't, and this is how I am going to do that! Hopefully soon, Brian is just as ready as me! I know he can do it, too!
Well, anyway, hopefully I'll be on here at some point tomorrow! I have to work later today, and that will be my test for the day. There's a gas station right across the street! Please pray for our family and our continued renewed faith in the Lord. He is wonderful!
We moved into our own place on July 1st, 2011. It is bigger than our place was in Colorado, and it reminds me a lot of Woodland Park. it's quiet, about twenty minutes from a larger town, but we can go shopping here in town still. The job that I was working towards didn't work out, because of many reasons, but I think it was for the best, even as weird as that may sound. I put in an application at McDonald's mainly because it was so close, and got a job right away. And with the experience I have with management inside the company, I am working on my management classes, and will be a manager by the time the middle of November comes around! I am very proud of myself, as I'm working really hard to achieve some type of goal, even if it is in a fast food restaurant lol!
Our cars have broken down, and and all of that stuff has been really hard, but we're pulling through it seems. We are starting to get involved in a church. And even though some people might not agree with it, I want everyone to remember that we would not do anything that would put our children in danger, EVER!!! If it is going to better our health, well-being, and spiritual health, then why wouldn't we do this? I am not doing this to be judged, or ridiculed into thinking what I'm doing is wrong. What some other people think, I don't agree with, but that doesn't give me the right the belittle that person, does it? So don't treat us like that! And with this change, today, I have quit smoking, and one of the suggestions is to start up a new hobby, and this is time consuming, and worth every minute, so i thought I would take the time while Autumn was down for her nap, and while I was pacing the floors for a cigarette, to use my nervousness on the computer to clue everyone in lol! I know I can do it this time around, because I am determined and I want it for totally different reasons. I don't want my children to see me get sick because of smoking. I don't want to miss out on graduations, weddings, and births of grandbabies because I chose to keep smoking. I don't want to miss anything, and I won't, and this is how I am going to do that! Hopefully soon, Brian is just as ready as me! I know he can do it, too!
Well, anyway, hopefully I'll be on here at some point tomorrow! I have to work later today, and that will be my test for the day. There's a gas station right across the street! Please pray for our family and our continued renewed faith in the Lord. He is wonderful!
Friday, April 15, 2011
My Grandma...
She was a wonderful woman, inside and out. She was my adopted grandma, but you could never tell. I would stay over with them on the weekends and do so many things with them. I still remember so many things about her. The house she and Grandpa lived in; I still remember exactly where it is. I drove by it a lot when I lived in Iowa and I would just smile. I used to play backgammon with the kids next door to them, I picked the apple tree with Grandpa, and she made the best homemade oatmeal ever. I regret not staying in contact with her after I moved out of my adoptive parents house. I guess here is another blast from the past for anyone that doesn't know about my teenage life, lol.
In my previous posts, I have talked about how I was adopted and all that jazz. I was welcomed into the whole family with open arms. That's one of the great things I remember. It wasn't all bad when I lived with Mike and Lorraine (my adoptive parents). I still have pictures with me sitting with Grandma and Grandpa at Christmas's, the adoption party when they brought me home as theirs. The whole family was there to celebrate. It was wonderful. But, I know I was pretty messed up in the head from what had happened to me, so it definitely didn't make it easy for Mike and Lorraine. Even though I don't remember everything, Lorraine has shed some light on how I was back then. They had some issues in their marriage, and of course, what couple doesn't have money problems? All of that added onto a child that didn't know up from down made it hard, and they really weren't prepared for all of me when they brought me home, lol! So, as I got older, it got more difficult for all of us. I was drinking in eighth grade, which now I laugh on. Who in the hell thinks they can get away with drinking on the school bus? Lol. Oh, well, we live we learn, right? We moved to Colorado at the very end of my eighth grade year in school, and it just got worse. I was hanging around with the wrong crowd, had started to smoke, and ended up making some stupid decisions. I had some pretty crappy things happen in my freshman year of high school, none of which I want to post on here. There are certain things that I don't like to tell, and this would be one of them. You can message me at any time to ask though. Certain people I would be okay with discussing it with. Anyway, Lorraine blamed me, called me names, and kicked me out of the house.
After that, I didn't have any contact with my grandma and grandpa. I didn't plan it that way, I was never upset with them for the turn of events. I guess for some reason I thought there would be more time, that looking them up and calling them or sending a letter could wait one more day. And now she's gone. I feel awful because I don't remember the last time I heard her voice, but I hear it in my head. I remember even after all these years how she smelled. I can't even describe it, but I can smell it. I remember her hugs were amazing. I heard the stories of her chasing Lorraine through the house because she had stayed out late lol. I remember the day we had Great-Grandma's funeral, and the celebration of life we had later that day. It was at their house. And even though she knew I was having problems with Mike and Lorraine, she always said that she loved me. I still have a birthday card from right before I moved out. She was always supportive, even if she didn't agree with me being a little shit. I will never forget you Grandma, and I hope you know I never have. I love you.
Since I have been working on this blog for most of today, I have some news to tell everyone! My baby girl is growing up. We have officially given Sayde her first stick of deodorant. My heart bleeds!!! Anyway, write soon!
In my previous posts, I have talked about how I was adopted and all that jazz. I was welcomed into the whole family with open arms. That's one of the great things I remember. It wasn't all bad when I lived with Mike and Lorraine (my adoptive parents). I still have pictures with me sitting with Grandma and Grandpa at Christmas's, the adoption party when they brought me home as theirs. The whole family was there to celebrate. It was wonderful. But, I know I was pretty messed up in the head from what had happened to me, so it definitely didn't make it easy for Mike and Lorraine. Even though I don't remember everything, Lorraine has shed some light on how I was back then. They had some issues in their marriage, and of course, what couple doesn't have money problems? All of that added onto a child that didn't know up from down made it hard, and they really weren't prepared for all of me when they brought me home, lol! So, as I got older, it got more difficult for all of us. I was drinking in eighth grade, which now I laugh on. Who in the hell thinks they can get away with drinking on the school bus? Lol. Oh, well, we live we learn, right? We moved to Colorado at the very end of my eighth grade year in school, and it just got worse. I was hanging around with the wrong crowd, had started to smoke, and ended up making some stupid decisions. I had some pretty crappy things happen in my freshman year of high school, none of which I want to post on here. There are certain things that I don't like to tell, and this would be one of them. You can message me at any time to ask though. Certain people I would be okay with discussing it with. Anyway, Lorraine blamed me, called me names, and kicked me out of the house.
After that, I didn't have any contact with my grandma and grandpa. I didn't plan it that way, I was never upset with them for the turn of events. I guess for some reason I thought there would be more time, that looking them up and calling them or sending a letter could wait one more day. And now she's gone. I feel awful because I don't remember the last time I heard her voice, but I hear it in my head. I remember even after all these years how she smelled. I can't even describe it, but I can smell it. I remember her hugs were amazing. I heard the stories of her chasing Lorraine through the house because she had stayed out late lol. I remember the day we had Great-Grandma's funeral, and the celebration of life we had later that day. It was at their house. And even though she knew I was having problems with Mike and Lorraine, she always said that she loved me. I still have a birthday card from right before I moved out. She was always supportive, even if she didn't agree with me being a little shit. I will never forget you Grandma, and I hope you know I never have. I love you.
Since I have been working on this blog for most of today, I have some news to tell everyone! My baby girl is growing up. We have officially given Sayde her first stick of deodorant. My heart bleeds!!! Anyway, write soon!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Letting Go...
I've never been really good at doing this. I let crap hang over my head forever. Whether it's something I have done, or has been done to me. As most people know I am adopted. Not many people know why, but I can openly say now as an adult without being pissed off that I was sexually abused by my step-father when I was a toddler and was taken out of my home. I went through a couple different foster homes before I was adopted. I didn't speak to my biological mother from the age of about 5 until I was 22. I love my biological mom deeply. She is who I call mom. So whenever I refer to Mom, that is who I am talking about!
I will never be able to understand what my mom went through when she lost me. She was very young, about 18 when I was taken and didn't know a lot. My step-father was very abusive to her, and she was afraid to leave him, therefore, I was still taken. As a mom now, I don't understand. I would never allow it, I don't care how much I get beat up, I would never, ever tolerate someone hurting my child in any manner, let alone molestation. Now, I don't blame Mom, but I don't get how I wasn't important enough to her at the time to walk away. I guess I will never understand that.
As all of you know, obviously, we moved to Washington state. Mom was very upset when I told her we were moving. She lives in Iowa. After I told her we were moving, I felt so distant from her. She would change the subject when I would try to tell her what was going on, and over the period of about a month before we moved, there would always be something that was going on to where she wouldn't be able to talk to me. I felt like I needed her, and I felt let down. I felt like she didn't care at all that we were trying to better our kids' lives. Not just for us, but for the kids. And then a couple nights before we got the moving truck, it all blew up. Names were called (not by me) to Brian, which I don't want to repeat here, but names that should have never been called. There was no acknowledgment that I was hurt; no I'm sorry for hurting you or anything like that from my mom. I put something on facebook because she wasn't answering phone calls and wasn't returning them. I felt abandoned. I haven't talked to her in almost four months because of this. And I refuse to. I will not back down now, or ever, because I have to "get over" my feelings. Even if we do start talking again, I don't think it will ever be the same, because that hurt will always be there. And I can't let go. Any suggestions on how to let go, or is this something I should fester over? I don't want there to come a day that I regret not talking to her, and her to be gone and I haven't even said I love you before she was gone. But, I also want her to know that how I feel shouldn't be looked over, and just shrugged off. I don't deserve to be treated like that by anybody, especially her.
Anyway, on other news, the kids go back to school tomorrow from their spring break. I feel really blessed to have the family that I do. Autumn is growing like a weed, and talking up a storm. She is saying "I love you, too" when someone says it first, and "Night, night" and all kinds of things. She amazes me every day. And Sayde and Austin are starting to drift to their own separate ways, being more independent instead of needing to be on top of each other at all times, and it's nice to see their different personalities come out. I'm where I want to be, even though there are some rough days, the good days usually out weigh the bad. But, I suppose I should get to bed. I can't wait to have some time away from the older two, lol. They have driven me crazy this past week! Love to all!
I will never be able to understand what my mom went through when she lost me. She was very young, about 18 when I was taken and didn't know a lot. My step-father was very abusive to her, and she was afraid to leave him, therefore, I was still taken. As a mom now, I don't understand. I would never allow it, I don't care how much I get beat up, I would never, ever tolerate someone hurting my child in any manner, let alone molestation. Now, I don't blame Mom, but I don't get how I wasn't important enough to her at the time to walk away. I guess I will never understand that.
As all of you know, obviously, we moved to Washington state. Mom was very upset when I told her we were moving. She lives in Iowa. After I told her we were moving, I felt so distant from her. She would change the subject when I would try to tell her what was going on, and over the period of about a month before we moved, there would always be something that was going on to where she wouldn't be able to talk to me. I felt like I needed her, and I felt let down. I felt like she didn't care at all that we were trying to better our kids' lives. Not just for us, but for the kids. And then a couple nights before we got the moving truck, it all blew up. Names were called (not by me) to Brian, which I don't want to repeat here, but names that should have never been called. There was no acknowledgment that I was hurt; no I'm sorry for hurting you or anything like that from my mom. I put something on facebook because she wasn't answering phone calls and wasn't returning them. I felt abandoned. I haven't talked to her in almost four months because of this. And I refuse to. I will not back down now, or ever, because I have to "get over" my feelings. Even if we do start talking again, I don't think it will ever be the same, because that hurt will always be there. And I can't let go. Any suggestions on how to let go, or is this something I should fester over? I don't want there to come a day that I regret not talking to her, and her to be gone and I haven't even said I love you before she was gone. But, I also want her to know that how I feel shouldn't be looked over, and just shrugged off. I don't deserve to be treated like that by anybody, especially her.
Anyway, on other news, the kids go back to school tomorrow from their spring break. I feel really blessed to have the family that I do. Autumn is growing like a weed, and talking up a storm. She is saying "I love you, too" when someone says it first, and "Night, night" and all kinds of things. She amazes me every day. And Sayde and Austin are starting to drift to their own separate ways, being more independent instead of needing to be on top of each other at all times, and it's nice to see their different personalities come out. I'm where I want to be, even though there are some rough days, the good days usually out weigh the bad. But, I suppose I should get to bed. I can't wait to have some time away from the older two, lol. They have driven me crazy this past week! Love to all!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Moving on...
That's easier said than done. I knew today would be a hard day. For both Brian and me. This absolutely blows today though. I know it will get easier, but seeing my husband in this much pain, and knowing I can't do anything for him makes it hard. But, other than that today, just hanging out with the kids, trying to relax and give them lots of love while trying to feel better myself. I was throwing up last night and all that poo. Thank God I don't have my girl parts or I would think I was preggo!!! Ha. Nice joke, huh? Hope everyone has a nice day.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Getting Started
So, this is my first time starting a blog, but I have seen others start it, and I figured with all the time I spend at home, it would be good for me! Hope I don't bore anyone to sleep lol. Well, let's see. Our family has gone through hell and back for the last year, and I think finally it is starting to settle down. I guess we can start somewhere in last year, and catch up real quick!
The beginning of last year, we were in Colorado, had just done a lot to our house to make it more "ours". We had settled in, I was working from home doing day care, and we were doing okay. Unfortunately, we found out Brian's step-dad was very sick. It started at pneumonia, then cancer, then no cancer. And then the worst news: he had cancer that had spread all over his body and there was nothing else we could do for him. The doctor estimated that he had about six months to live. Now, I didn't know Lou the way I would have liked. Lord knows the man scared the hell out of me! I am finding out over the last year that he had a tender side. Not many people saw it, but when you did, it was awesome! I wanted to go see him, but I knew that I would have the kids, and with the pain meds that he was on, it made him really out of it and plain cranky sometimes. They didn't need to see him like that. I still wish I did though. I wanted to tell him so many things. But, what was more important at the time, was that Brian see him, and work through the troubles that the two of them had while Brian was growing up. I remember a week before Lou passed, Brian came home and just collapsed in my arms. Three words from Lou made my husband crumble. You never know how important those words are until you hear them at a very vulnerable moment. I held my husband and I knew there were only more tears to come, and saw Brian in such a defenseless position. At no time since I have known him, have I seen him like that. It's hard to be the strength for someone that has always been the same for you. One week later, on April 5th, 2010, we sat down to eat dinner. I even remember what we were eating. How sad is that? We hadn't even taken a bite, and my phone rings. It's Jennifer, and I can hear it in her voice. "I called Brian, but he didn't answer. Are you around him?" Ten minutes later, and my husband is racing up the hill to be with his family as Lou was losing his fight. Ever since that night, we have learned so much in his passing. We have learned what needs to be important in our lives. And that is family and love. I consider his blood my blood. I have gained two sisters, two brothers, and another mom. I was given that chance when I married him. I wrote a lot about that on my facebook. I look at my whole life different now. Thank you for teaching me and Brian so much, Lou. We miss you just as much today as we did the day you left.
A few months passed, and everything was going great. Until I went into the doctor to have the dreaded "yearly". We had a procedure the year before called a LEEP. That took all the bad cells they found then off of the surface of my cervix. We had already decided that we were done having children, so we decided to go ahead with getting my tubes tied. I signed the paperwork the day I went into the doctor. About a week later, I get a call saying the cells had gotten worse, and we needed to do another biopsy. It was suggested at that time, that I could get a hysterectomy if I didn't want to have all the procedures on my cervix. After a few days of talking with Brian, and doing a lot of soul searching in me, we decided to talk to the doctor directly and see what he thought. He agreed, so we did the hysterectomy. This has changed me so much. I feel empty a lot of the time. Some people have told me, "You were done having kids anyway. And now no monthly!" That's not the point. Tying my tubes was my choice, and even later down the road, if we really wanted and were financially capable we could do IVF or a tube reversal. I felt like even though we chose to do the hysterctomy, it also felt like our only option to keep me healthy. Now I can't have any children. No possibility that I can carry a child. And my dream of giving my best friend a baby of her own was dead. I was serious about carrying a child for my best friend. We had talked about it for years because her body couldn't handle it. I let her down. My body let her down. I see pregnant women and get teary eyed. I envy people who just find out they're pregnant, even though I'm happy for them. It's getting better, but it's still hard. The occasional hot flashes don't help either!
A couple weeks after my surgery, Brian lost his job. He was unable to find one in Colorado, even with interview after interview. The bills were piling up, and we were about to lose the house, so we let it go. By the graces of God, we have been able to move in with some very good friends in Washington state, and are working on getting out on our own. Brian is already working, making over twice what he was before, and I will be getting paid soon too. It seems like our luck is turning up, but not without the help of wonderful family and friends. Sorry if this is so long, but I promise the next ones shouldn't be!!! Thanks anybody for reading and hope this finds everyone well!
The beginning of last year, we were in Colorado, had just done a lot to our house to make it more "ours". We had settled in, I was working from home doing day care, and we were doing okay. Unfortunately, we found out Brian's step-dad was very sick. It started at pneumonia, then cancer, then no cancer. And then the worst news: he had cancer that had spread all over his body and there was nothing else we could do for him. The doctor estimated that he had about six months to live. Now, I didn't know Lou the way I would have liked. Lord knows the man scared the hell out of me! I am finding out over the last year that he had a tender side. Not many people saw it, but when you did, it was awesome! I wanted to go see him, but I knew that I would have the kids, and with the pain meds that he was on, it made him really out of it and plain cranky sometimes. They didn't need to see him like that. I still wish I did though. I wanted to tell him so many things. But, what was more important at the time, was that Brian see him, and work through the troubles that the two of them had while Brian was growing up. I remember a week before Lou passed, Brian came home and just collapsed in my arms. Three words from Lou made my husband crumble. You never know how important those words are until you hear them at a very vulnerable moment. I held my husband and I knew there were only more tears to come, and saw Brian in such a defenseless position. At no time since I have known him, have I seen him like that. It's hard to be the strength for someone that has always been the same for you. One week later, on April 5th, 2010, we sat down to eat dinner. I even remember what we were eating. How sad is that? We hadn't even taken a bite, and my phone rings. It's Jennifer, and I can hear it in her voice. "I called Brian, but he didn't answer. Are you around him?" Ten minutes later, and my husband is racing up the hill to be with his family as Lou was losing his fight. Ever since that night, we have learned so much in his passing. We have learned what needs to be important in our lives. And that is family and love. I consider his blood my blood. I have gained two sisters, two brothers, and another mom. I was given that chance when I married him. I wrote a lot about that on my facebook. I look at my whole life different now. Thank you for teaching me and Brian so much, Lou. We miss you just as much today as we did the day you left.
A few months passed, and everything was going great. Until I went into the doctor to have the dreaded "yearly". We had a procedure the year before called a LEEP. That took all the bad cells they found then off of the surface of my cervix. We had already decided that we were done having children, so we decided to go ahead with getting my tubes tied. I signed the paperwork the day I went into the doctor. About a week later, I get a call saying the cells had gotten worse, and we needed to do another biopsy. It was suggested at that time, that I could get a hysterectomy if I didn't want to have all the procedures on my cervix. After a few days of talking with Brian, and doing a lot of soul searching in me, we decided to talk to the doctor directly and see what he thought. He agreed, so we did the hysterectomy. This has changed me so much. I feel empty a lot of the time. Some people have told me, "You were done having kids anyway. And now no monthly!" That's not the point. Tying my tubes was my choice, and even later down the road, if we really wanted and were financially capable we could do IVF or a tube reversal. I felt like even though we chose to do the hysterctomy, it also felt like our only option to keep me healthy. Now I can't have any children. No possibility that I can carry a child. And my dream of giving my best friend a baby of her own was dead. I was serious about carrying a child for my best friend. We had talked about it for years because her body couldn't handle it. I let her down. My body let her down. I see pregnant women and get teary eyed. I envy people who just find out they're pregnant, even though I'm happy for them. It's getting better, but it's still hard. The occasional hot flashes don't help either!
A couple weeks after my surgery, Brian lost his job. He was unable to find one in Colorado, even with interview after interview. The bills were piling up, and we were about to lose the house, so we let it go. By the graces of God, we have been able to move in with some very good friends in Washington state, and are working on getting out on our own. Brian is already working, making over twice what he was before, and I will be getting paid soon too. It seems like our luck is turning up, but not without the help of wonderful family and friends. Sorry if this is so long, but I promise the next ones shouldn't be!!! Thanks anybody for reading and hope this finds everyone well!
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