Not for the faint of hearts

This is going to be in a completely different direction than all my all other blogs.  You have been warned.

       I had a hysterectomy in August of 2010.  It was my choice, yes, but a hard one at that.  Honestly one of the hardest choices of my life.  With that, has come a lot of feelings of guilt, and shame, just to start.  I'll backtrack for those of you that don't know some of this.  I feel like I need to do this, because at some point I have to start healing emotionally, and I am so not there yet.  I don't think I ever will be.

     High school was interesting for me.  I made some of the most stupid decisions of my life.  I was a whore.  There.  I said it.  I was the worst woman for my now husband.  I treated him like a doormat.  I have no doubt in my mind that I loved him then, I just didn't know what to do with that feeling.  Nobody had ever shown me such an unconditional love, and I wasn't close to comprehending it.  So I threw it all away.  So, my senior year, instead of keeping an engagement ring on my finger, I threw it at my soul mate, and got knocked up later that summer with my ex-husband.  I will never say I regret my children.  I love them with every ounce of my being.  But I regret my decisions, and one of those decisions was getting pregnant by him.  If I could have gotten the same children with Brian, I would have, if that makes sense.  Forgive me if I ramble, just piecing everything together.

     So, the end of June in 2002, I just find out I'm pregnant.  I had already started the morning sickness.  I was scared to death, but excited.  Anybody that knows me or knew me back then, knows I always wanted kids.  Always.  Only one time did I ever say I didn't want kids, and that was after my project for a class where I took a doll home, and that damn thing almost killed me!!!!  A week with that doll, and I wanted my tubes tied!  Anyway, I had just graduated high school.  I knew that my life would be more difficult from this moment on.  Two weeks later, July 11th, I started cramping really early in the morning.  Not normal cramps, awful cramps.  My good friend at the time, Rosella, was staying with us.  She told me that I needed to go to the ER when i started bleeding.  The ultrasound showed no heartbeat.  I will never forget that feeling.  Ever.  My body was supposed to protect this perfect being.  I had failed.  They sent me home with a prescription of vicodin, and told me to come back if the pain got worse.  The next day, I lost my baby.  Saying it is always so much easier.  Looking at it in front of me tears at my core.  And then when I went to a doctor's appointment to make sure that I was healed up from my miscarriage, I was told that they only saw "pregnant" women.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Slap me some more!  Anyway, moving on.  One flow of tears out of the way, many more to come.  Why do they call it closure, or healing, if it hurts so bad?  Oh, well.

     So, only two weeks after the miscarriage, I still don't feel right.  Even though it didn't seem mathematically or scientifically possible, I took a pregnancy test.  It came up positive!  And on March 17th, 2003, Mersayde was born.  I was scared to death.  I had no clue what I was doing lol.  But, she is still alive and thriving, so obviously I am doing something right.  Only three months later, I found out I was pregnant with Austin.  It was totally unexpected, I was mad, upset, and most of all, scared to death.  How was this going to work?  I didn't have a choice but to push forward.  On February 26th, 2004, my wonderful son was welcomed into the world.  He and his sister have held me together in some of the most scary and dark times of my life, and I really believe that's why they were sent to me when they were.  I thank God every day for their presence in my life.  They have made me who I am today.  They saved me on so many different levels.

     About a year after Austin's birth, I went into the doctor for my regular "yearly".  Yuck.  They found HPV.  With all the hype about vaccinations, I don't feel like it is wrong of me to share this, so if you don't like me sharing this, stop reading now.  They did a biopsy, and that was it at that time.  It didn't show up until a few years later.  We'll get to that.

     In January of 2008, my world was turned upside down.  I had bought a home, gone through hell to get that home, and was with someone who at the time I really thought I was supposed to be with.  But, that was not in my plans.  Thank God too!  :)  He decided to part ways, and a few months later, I decided to contact my old high school sweetheart.  It had been over a year, I believe, since I had seen him last, and felt like I needed to get back in touch with him.  We were living together within two months, probably less, don't remember the exact times lol!  When he moved in, we both knew where our relationship was going, and we were ready for it this time.  We jumped in feet first, not afraid of anything.  And given the way I treated him in high school, this was nothing short of a miracle.  I didn't deserve it, and I still don't.  I thank him every day for forgiving me and loving me unconditionally over years of bad behavior.  Well, I ended up pregnant!  It was a great pregnancy, with the excitement and love between us and our children that I had only dreamed of for my family.  On March 10th, 2009, we were married, and on July 1st, 2009, our miracle baby, Autumn was born.  I say miracle because my husband's doctors had voiced that it would be very difficult for him to have children.  And here we were, with a perfect, beautiful, human being!

     Most everyone knows the struggles with moving, and all that since then.  This is what most don't know.  At my six week appointment after Autumn was born, they did the regular "yearly" again.  It had been since 2005 that I had any problems with that.  The HPV showed, and it came back with a vengeance.  It was pre-cancerous.  I was going to have a procedure when we moved to Colorado.  Well, in October of 2009, (Autumn was 3 months old, mind you), we found out we were pregnant.  Just as we got the positive on the test, I started bleeding.  The emotions involved in that moment were gut-wrenching. I wasn't going to have the great experience that I did with Autumn.  No baby, no joy, no wondering how the hell we were going to take care of another child.  Just empty.  That was the last time I was pregnant.  A failed attempt at a child, a wonderful and beautiful miracle.

In December of 2009, I had the LEEP procedure done.  It takes off the layers of affected skin off the cervix, and eliminates the spread of bad cells.  This was so painful for me, as were the biopsies beforehand.  I could barely move.  In six months, I had another yearly, and it was getting even worse.  It was going to be another round of biopsies and procedures.  We had talked about having my tubes tied anyway, so it shouldn't have been a difficult decision, right?  Wrong.  All wrong.  Yes, I signed the papers to have my tubes tied.  Yes, I had decided to not have anymore kids.  But, for some reason I can't get over my feelings about it.

And here comes to this: I failed.  My body failed.  No matter how many times someone tells me, "You have three beautiful kids.  Be happy in that." or "You weren't going to have anymore anyway" it still hurts, even today.  And for some reason it hits me when I least expect it.  I know Brian loves Sayde and Austin, and would die for them, I still wanted to try to give him another child.  I loved the experience, and wanted to experience it once more.  I lost half of "our" pregnancies.  And the stupid little thoughts eat me up.  Were they boys, girls, one of each?  Even though I wasn't in the position I wanted to be in with the first miscarriage, I still think about that baby, too.  And all of the mistakes that I made when I was in high school, I am almost certain that I would not have had these problems if I would have just kept my fracking legs closed.  I would have rather carried these children and lost them.  At least I would have a place to sit with them, to know what they looked like, to be happy to hold them, even for a second.  I knew how fertile I was, and it was a very strong thought of mine to carry a child for a woman who I had grown to love as a sister.  She still means the world to me.  It killed me when I had to tell her that my body was not going to be able to perform that task.  I crushed her dreams.  My body crushed her dreams.  And even though I didn't have a diagnosis, cancer took so much from me.  I feel like a broken record, like there is a big ol' scratch through the whole thing, and no matter what you do, it will never be whole again.  I am 27 freaking years old, and I will never have to worry about getting pregnant again.  I miss that.  Sounds funny, but I miss the possibility of an oops!!!! I'm pregnant!  I would never had to do any of this had there not been a possibility of cancer in the future.  I made a big decision, and even though I know it's what I needed to do for my kids I have now, I'm still angry that I had to make it in the first place.

     One day, someday, I hope that I am at ease with this decision I had to make.  But for today, I'm pissed off and hurt, and am ashamed at my decisions that forced me to have to make such a difficult decision.  And even though I'm so upset,  I thank God every day that my husband loves me enough to stand beside me and still be proud of me with all of the wrong decisions I had made that hurt him so many years ago.  You have loved me enough to make me feel worth something, that I deserve the happiness that you have given me.  I love you forever, and I hope you always know that!